3. In Vanuatu, on the island of Tanna, there is a cargo cult who worship a mystical American known as John Frum. They believe that the messiah John Frum will return to Tanna on February 15th (year unknown) with material wealth for the ni-Vans.

“John promised he’ll bring planeloads and shiploads of cargo to us from America if we pray to him,” a village elder tells me as he salutes the Stars and Stripes. “Radios, TVs, trucks, boats, watches, iceboxes, medicine, Coca-Cola and many other wonderful things.”

There are no records of the religion before 1940.

5. I found out last month that I'm the oldest person in my class. Only 2 other people in the magazine stream were even born in the same year as me. So, essentially, I'm an old lady--an old lady who still wears hula-dancing pig socks. True 'dat!

Facts for Friday: Because who else is going to look for embalmers on the Internet?

Chloe and Ashley eagerly anticipated the birthday girl's entrance.

I was a little skeptical that Kaydi would be surprised. In my experience, surprise parties never work.

When I was turning 15, Elana tried to throw me a surprise birthday BBQ in her backyard. However, for reasons that are currently escaping me, (I think I wanted to make other plans that weekend or may have been going out of town for something--can someone refresh my memory here?) Elana had to eventually reveal to me the surprise birthday plan.

The second time was when I was set to leave for Europe. I had just moved all my things from Edmonton back to storage in Cold Lake, and I was spending one last weekend at home before I set off to journey the world. My mom decided to throw me a surprise going-away party and asked Naomi to make all the invites for her. Somehow I found out about it (again, I can't remember how, exactly) and most of the people who showed up were people I invited personally. (Which is kind of depressing.) And then when everyone showed up, I had to act surprised because my mom didn't know that I knew about it. I thought it was really nice that she had tried to put something together for me, so I didn't want to ruin it.

I'm of the strong convinction that surprise parties are never a surprise.

But Kaydi was genuinely surprised! She walked into the room with her coat on, ready to go out to dinner with Geoff. (I asked Chloe, "What if she really wanted to go out to dinner? Won't she be dissapointed?" Chloe assured me this wouldn't be the case, and if so, the consolation prize was pretty damn good. I just know that personally, I might be a little bit dissapointed. A mean, a room full of my friends and food is awesome, but I really like going out to eat.)

Kaydi giving her mommy a surprised thank you hug.

I hope you had an awesome birthday Kaydi and the festivities are still in full swing while I'm at home typing this. (And, I really hope that you weren't dissapointed that you didn't get to go out for dinner.)

This picture however, I have a serious problem with. It was taken during the Steam Whistle Incident and I will acknowledge that it's my own fault for drinking too much and looking like trash. But, why, why, why, must this be the first thing that my best friend from grade 2 must see upon adding me as a friend?

However, in this photo, also posted by Jonny, taken the same night, I don't look half bad.

I can't complain about this picture because I find it pretty much the most hilarious picture ever. It was taken of Ben and I at the Wan Bigfella Fundraiser, showing off our killer dance moves.

I was not drinking when this picture was taken, I was just being my normal awesome self. My favourite things about this picture is the obvious wet armpit stain in combination with the huge hole in my armpit, and the fact that I'm pratically pulling a Lindsay Lohan with my skirt. Good work me.

And while I love this picture, again, it makes me wonder, do I really want the quiet girl who sat beside me in grade 10 social studies to see this without knowing any contextual information?***

Here's another winner. Yes, that's right. I'm having a baby. Wanna fight about it? (Oh wait. I posted this picture. Nevermind. Bad example. I think it's a funny picture, but I'm still left wondering if I really want my unrequited crush of 5 years to look at this and think, "Whoa, I never thought she'd become a fatty!")

Here's another good example. I'm barely in this picture, yet I've been tagged. I look like a prehistoric bird.

But none of this really bothered me that much, until today, when the line was crossed:

Which is when this picture appeared on the Facebook scene. How was I the only one who didn't notice that a picture was being taken?

This has to be one of the least attractive pictures of me known to man. I look like a decidedly prehistoric, unfeminine bird ranting about something that's quite potentially boring. Judging from the shape of my lips in the ranting process, it's also entirely possible that spittle was also flying from my mouth onto the guy I was talking to.

Why? Oh, why?! This picture was actually added moments after my ex-boyfriend from junior high school, who used to brag about how attractive I was (am?) added me as a friend. Great. Now it will be the first picture to show up! (And he'll be like, "Oh, she's still mouthy. No shock there." Which is true, I guess.)

And the worst part is, I know that realistically this isn't Facebook's fault. No, this isn't even the assholes who tag me on Facebook's fault. It's entirely my fault for being so unphotogenic.

_________________________________________________________

*Just for the record, that picture was chosen randomly from a random month. I'm sure I could the same for any other month in a matter of seconds, because this site is littered with hilariously awful and decidedly unattractive picture of me. And I'm okay with that.

**I do know that I could untag said photos, but that'd be like denying that it's me in the pictures, and pretty much like telling a lie. And I'm not a liar.

***Context is the difference between the blog and facebook. At least I think it is.

After meeting Alice and Jessex at Fresh for dinner last night, I jumped on the streetcar to meet up with Court who was sick of hanging out in the sewing lab. Apparently blogging about a lack of plans leads to plans. That's Court's cat Gus. He's kind of the most adorable, yet ridiculous looking cat you've ever seen.

I entertained myself while Court and Jonny got ready to go.

While Court and Jonny were putting their shoes on, I tried to catch them off guard by randomly pulling out my camera. (Okay, granted, me pulling out my camera in a social situation is far from random.) Within seconds, they sensed it and were posing. It's like they have a sixth sense. Awesome.

Best quote of the night: "I'd knead buns for you!"

We went to the Chelsea Room. Court was really proud of her label peeling skills.

I think this picture was taken to demonstrate to Alex Dodd, that no, my skirt wasn't that short. However, the picture itself kind of defeats its own purpose. (That's the other Jessica's decidedly feminine hand, just for clarification.)

I have no idea who this girl is, but I liked her choice of accesorization.

Wanting to dance (so what else is new?) we met up with Julia, Dayn and Julia's brother Tom to head down to the White Orchid, but judging from the 8 cop cars outside we unanimously decided that a drug bust was about to happen. (How did we come to this conclusion? Really? Last night it seemed really obvious, but in retrospect, it was just purely random speculation...yet we were so sure of ourselves.)

Dayn thoughtfully considered where we should head next. We ended up going to 751, but couldn't get in because it was 1:30 a.m. so we ended up at a bar nearby. Coincidentally, we were sitting there for 20 minutes before we realized that Alice, Scott, Nick et al. were sitting only two booths away from us. Random.

Seriously. I know it's making you swoon with envy.* A phone cord and a Planet Organic t-shirt? I'm a spoiled girl.

Before Alex mailed this to me, he called me to confer about the t-shirt. I was groggy with sleep, but this is what I can remember from the conversation:

"What size of t-shirt do you wear?" he asked.

"I dunno. It depends on how big the t-shirts are," I told him sleepily. "I'm usually a small."

"A small? Are you sure?" he asked scrupulously. I took it from his tone of voice that maybe the t-shirts were on the smaller side to start with.

"Or a medium? I don't know," I said. "But probably a small. You know how big I am. You can probably figure it out just by looking at the t-shirt."

He opted to send me the medium, which reaches down to my mid-thighs.

Alex Dodd, should I take this offensively? Is this how big you think I am?

________________________________________________________

These are the classy socks Court picked up at the Hasty Mart when she lost feeling in her toes.

"I heard that we're celebrating some guy driving all these snakes off an island," Jonny responded when I expressed my disgust at not being able to get into my favourite pub for a pseudo holiday. All the drunken screaming girls in line who were wearing nothing more than mini-skirts and thick layers of makeup for warmth didn't even know what they were drinking for.

I laughed at Jonny. "And by guy, you mean St. Patrick?"

"Yah, either him or St. Valentine's drove some snakes off an island. I always get those two confused."

This made me laugh some more. "It was St. Patrick. St. Valentine wrote some letters in jail or something."

We laughed at our own ignorance, and then I asked jokingly, "Hey Jonny, wanna know that name of 'that island'---Ireland."

And in some cases, this mail has travelled across the world to find me.

Yesterday, I got a letter from my host mom Kathy.

Jessica mifala ol family blong you long Vanuatu vai mifala no save forgetem you. Taem mifala look photos blong you we you givem mifala pray talem thank you long papa God.

Kathy made that fan for me. In Vanuatu, I used it in church to combat the oppressive humdity and heat caused by wearing an island dress. Here, in Canada, it just reminds me of some vague experience that I'm not even sure happened to me.

I don't know if I believe in God, but I do know that I feel blessed to have been given families that I have. I have a family in Finland that took me into their home in a month (Helka, please do let your mom know that I could never forget aiti). And now I am fortunate enough to have a family in the South Pacific. In both cases, I don't speak the languages, but it doesn't matter.

My favourite part of Kathy's letter is as follows:

Jessica sister blong Tom, Julie i wantem se bai you find wan benfriend blong hem long Canada, hem i Kat 18 years old. Jessica after you find benfriend blong sister Julie them bai you write blong mammi back bai you talem long benfriend blong sister Julie to bai i write i kam long sister Julie. Hem ya address blong sister Julie. . .

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur of hip-hop music, shots at the bar, running into old friends everywhere, and enjoying the spring sunshine.

Lazylegs (from Montreal) was at the competition with Tommy Gun (from San Francisco), from the Illabilities crew. Click on the link to check out a Youtube video of Lazylegs. It's well worth your time.

In case it's not clear in the picture, Tommy Gun only has one leg. Sadly, I couldn't find any videos of him online. (On a sidenote, I developped a mad crush on the crew in the background, particularly the guy in the pink hat. They made it to the final round before losing, but they won my heart. I felt like a 15-year-old girl rooting for them.)

And something that is nowhere close to the Illabilities Crew--the DD crew. Represent!

After working until 1 in the morning at The Drake, Sameer and I (with Alice in tow, since she came to meet us earlier in the night) headed down to the Mod Club to join up with the rest of the DDers for our impromptu staff party.

I lost most of the DD family, and Alice left early because she had to work in the morning, but I ran into these kids:

Nando and his friend Anthony. (I can't remember the guy in the middle's name. He was a photographer that we met outside on our way out the door.) I met Nando a year ago at CMW, on the same night that I hung out with Alice for the first time. Has it really been a year?

I'm not gonna lie, we're all looking pretty damn good here for 5 in the morning. Good work us!

Here's to hoping that my weekends are filled with less illness, and more days that I don't make it to bed until 7 in the morning.

2. Seeing performances by Wolfmother, Priestess, Jacksoul and Fefe Dobson. (The latter of which was surprisingly good--Fefe Dobson might not be much to look at, but the girl's got stage presence. I was really impressed. She kind of reminds me of the lead singer of the Noisettes.)

3. A bartender randomly giving us all free shots (maybe she felt bad that we all had to dress alike?) followed by an impromptu hip-hop dance party where we were the only people dancing, and guys draped us in Mardi Gras beads.

4. Being hit on by three 18-year-old Colombian boys with the worst fake Albertan IDs I've ever seen in my life. This is Sebastian and Alex.

This is Mauricio. Alex kept asking for my cell phone number. When I asked why, the boys conferred frantically with each other in Spanish before concluding, "You are an older woman, so perhaps you could teach us?" Maybe something was lost in the translation, but. . .no, nothing was lost in the translation there. It was a pretty straight forward proposal.

5. Shutting down some CMW volunteer who accused me to selling out to a major corporation. "You know something? I might be a corporate whore, but I'm also getting paid to watch bands for free," I told him. There was no further argument from his side.

My CMW pick for music: Under Byen, from Denmark. Their music could only be described as etheral, and I was a fan of their two drummers, cello, violin and saw. They're on the cover of Eye Weekly this week, although I haven't had a chance to check out the article. (The band was headlining Eye's CMW showcase.)

Alice's pick: Harmonica is a group from Norway. Alice described them as "really cute." I just think their music is fun.

Bonus pick: If you're looking for something that reminds you of the Cure, with a lead singer that wears the shiniest red shoes ever, check out Australia's Bit by Bats.

Next up: The Canadian Breakdancing Championships tonight.

Facts for Friday: Better on Your Coffee Break

Like for instance, two weeks ago I went to London to stay with Court. There, I discovered the reason I really need to start working out again--my breasts don't fit into clothes anymore.

I also met Ryan, who works at Salt Lounge. Court and I had the benefit of going in there on a Monday night to watch a terrible band that belonged in 2001 and was comprised completely of guys from West 49.

Ryan decided that Court and I would be his entertainment to stave off the Monday night boredom.

By the end of the night, I was had decided that the band would be remarkably better if the lead singer pretender to be a veloca raptor while singing.

Ryan really like my dinosaur impressions. (Oh, and just for the record, these photos were taken on an entirely seperate night.)

Last week was the only event that could possibly lead to me putting a photo like this on my blog--Chloe's pin-up girl themed birthday party. Happy Birthday Chloe!

Carla was there too. We did a pretty good job representing. The party was made up of staff from various restaurants that Chloe has been employed at, most notably Hooters, and the journalism kids. Surprisingly enough, the Hooters girls didn't jump at the chance to dress up like pin-up girls. Instead, it was us newsie, nerdy types who pulled out all the stops.

Chloe made a birthday speech thanking her aunt and her aunt's friend for doing an amazing job catering the event.

"And I'd like to thank. . ."

". . .the j-school girls." Yup, we deserve it.

Carla the cradle-robber and I. Carla likes to lurk on this blog and very occasionally comment, so we like her around here. (Hi Carla! I'm glad you're finally on the blog as opposed to just lurking.)

Chloe going in for the kill.

You wouldn't know it to look at her, but Rebecca's angry. Luckily, I'm on her "not-angry" list.

Ashley, the other Jess, Chloe and Barbara.

Chloe and Kaydie.

The birthday girl and I.

After all the comments I got on the blog last week, I pulled out the red dress. It seemed pin-up girl appropriate. Rebecca's hand agreed. (This is probably why I'm on the "not angry" list.)

That tends to happen when you put a bunch of girls together who haven't been to an all-girl birthday party since sixth grade. It wasn't half bad.

. . .and Ashley passing out.

**This does not mean I will do these dance styles well, or that I will keep my shoes on, or even stay on my feet. But I'm willing to try. And I'm a lot of fun.